This is a poem I composed during a moment of blue frustration as retirement neared but was still too close to the horizon and still far enough in the distance. The process of writing poetically (and thus more intuitively) helped me process the feelings of being on the cliff edge of uncertainty, a liminal place of fatigue as well as a thin place for God to step in beside me on the edge of the precipice. I wasn't ready to share this piece of op-ed vulnerability until I was solidly a couple of months into retirement, after being off that particular trail for a steady amount of time, knowning now that I made it and am still on the move.
Tired
Fatigued
Wan
Unmotivated
Depressed?
Maybe
Probably
Short term?
Hopefully
The mood descends and coats me
Like a film of blah
Thin but sticky, gritty
It doesn’t bind me
I keep moving, going about my day
Getting things done, replying to email
Eating, drinking, walking, moving
Keep moving
One foot in front of the other, repeat
There are glimpses of joy, of wonder even
Trees blooming, birding singing
But there’s a buzz in my ears…and my soul
A tinnitus that holds back the usual tide of goodness
That splashes happily around my psyche
Refreshing and renewing the ebb and flow of my daily emotions
I want to be done
I’ve lost the joy of going to work
I still find fulfillment and gratitude for the acknowledgement
Of my work, my skills, my compassion, my insight
But I’ve stopped caring as much. I’m tired
Fatigued
Wan
Unmotivated
Keep moving
One foot in front of the other, repeat
“This too shall pass” I tell myself
Mostly believing it, but not wanting to wait on it
An opportunity? For what?
What is the growth opportunity?
Where is God in this? How is it a portal? Hopefully not a dead end.
Is it worth it to explore the depths and the opportunity beneath?
Is it worth the effort when I’m so tired
Fatigued
Wan
Unmotivated
Keep moving
One foot in front of the other, repeat
I can’t get to a different place, a better place,
If I don’t keep moving, watching, wondering,
Being curious, being mindful
I wonder what this time of transition,
the last 100 days of work, of pre-retirement ministry,
Have to teach me about myself
Have to teach me about my post-retirement ministry
Have to teach me about what matters most
God, family, marriage, parenthood, rest
Ah, yes, rest! The sun is breaking through the clouds
Rest is coming. Good rest, not restless rest (hopefully)
As I hand over tasks, responsibilities, I am less and less busy
Less and less needed
Less and less needed
Practicing rest has been fun
Snippets on weekends that produce a longing for more
Longing for less work, less responsibility, less being needed
But I’m in this in-between place
Some work and some rest
Too much of one and not enough of the other
Feeling guilty for not wanting to do more
Comparing myself to others (as usual)
Why, why, WHY am I not as motivated?
Is it okay for me to do less?
Is it GOOD for me to do less?
Is that the opportunity?
Why is it so hard to embrace?
Why is my worth so hard to embrace?
I keep moving
One foot in front of the other, repeat
Is moving a way to avoid the rest?
How can I keep moving and still stand still?
Sabbath is about work
And rest
And how one balances the other
God in a hammock after six days of moving, moving
Was God tired?
Fatigued?
Wan
Unmotivated
Does God get depressed?
Maybe
Probably
We give God plenty of reasons, plenty
Short term?
Yes, because God’s joy burns through the clouds
Burns away the dross
Blows away the grit
In God’s time and at God’s pace and on God’s path
Moving, one foot in front of the other
Moving toward the hammock, knowing it’s there waiting
But with things to do and see and feel along the way
Things that are also full of life and love and fulfillment
Pieces of the journey that teach us
About work and rest
And their necessary union